To be honest, I need to be held accountable to keep my nose in the scripture, to meditate on it day and night, and to seek the Lord in all my doings.   Today was a wonderful day and an extremely hard day.   Today I was given a chance to spend time with my two younger sons.  A few hours to hang out, drink Bubble Tea, Go to GameStop, and have a home made dinner at my house. It was a fantastic day!

But as soon as my son’s left, I was sad, depressed. The evil one had thrown those darts of doubt, and loathing. I could imagine a devil saying “This could have been all the time if you hadn’t ruined it”.   This idea that I could have fixed this before it got this bad, is a constant burden I’m holding.

I don’t know why my wife left, I don’t know anything.   What I do know is God is in control of this situation, and I’m humbly and meekly trusting He will guide my path.  I love them all (including my wife) so Much.   I miss them, so much.  And I sit here writing this, trying to express how deeply crushed I feel, not by what they have done, but what I’ve done to cause this situation.

I will always take responsibility for any actions that caused my wife to leave,  I am a horrible wretched sinner that deserves Hell.  That’s a fact!   Each day I’m confronted with these demons accusing me, and each day I fall on my knees in supplication with my Heavenly Father asking for forgiveness.

I was so depressed,  I called my parents, and was encouraged talking to my dad.  He asked me if I knew the difference between Justice, Mercy and Grace:

• Justice is getting what I deserve.
• Mercy is not getting what you deserve.
• Grace is getting what you don’t deserve.

I’ll be the first one to tell you I am a horrible, awful wretched sinner who deserves to go to Hell, that is Justice!    But God has mercy on me, not sending me to Hell.  More so, He has bestowed Grace, not because of anything I’ve done, but because of the work of His Son Jesus Christ, who took my sin burden, and paid the price I couldn’t pay, and did the deed I couldn’t do which was to take the full blunt of the wrath of God, even to death on the horrible cross.  Jesus then gives me Grace, earned by His blood, and imputes his righteousness upon me, making me pure, cleansed.  I am a new creation.

God is using this period of time in my life to build me into something I’m not right now.  It hurts, growth is painful, but it’s so necessary.  He’s pointing me to places I need to ask Him for forgiveness, and each day I wash my soul in his word, and He is working in me. I need to be meek and flexible to God’s leading me.   I need to seek after righteousness.   I need to have a broken spirit and humble.  I need to mourn.  But above all else, I need to trust every moment that God sits Sovereignly upon his throne, controlling all things… not for my good, but for His goodwill and pleasure.

Please Lord, help me to surrender to your will, and give it up completely to you.