It’s been a while, I can say more than just the last week, that I’ve felt lonely. I have my eldest son living with me, which is a comfort, yes, I’m on my own now. I feel like I’m doing this life by myself for some time now. I don’ t know if it is me, but as I go back over the last few years I felt my wife and I growing apart. I tried to reach out to her, but she wanted to do her thing, and she encouraged me to do my own things.

I can say, I don’t have any close friends. So this time of separation has been really hard. When my wife was physically here, I spent my time with her and I loved her. We might not have always spoken, but I was always there sitting next to her on the couch, rubbing her feet, or making a meal for her and the boys. I would do anything for her. I still would do anything for her.

As I focus on scripture, I realize that she was my stumbling block, she was a major Idol in my life. I was always reacting to her wants and whims, and it was wearing me out. I sacrificed for her and my boys, but in doing all that stuff, I was sacrificing time with the Lord. I wasn’t building my relationship with God, I was focused on my relationship with my wife and my sons.

I’m learning that to be lonely is a state of mind, and I’ve been in the wrong mind set for some time. This time in my life I’m reminded of Elijah fleeing to Horeb, and the Lord appears to Elijah:

¹¹ The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.” Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake.¹² After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. ¹³ When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

1 Kings 19:11-13

God’s is about to pass by my life, and right now winds are tearing mountains and shattering rocks, earthquakes are shaking my life and a fire is refining me, and I’m starting to hear that gentle whisper of the Holy Spirit asking me “What are you doing here?” Will I blame this on my wife? No, she really isn’t the reason I’m here. Will I blame it on my work? No. Am I the reason I’m here, Yes! I don’t need to be scared of the future, I don’t need to be Lonely, because the God of the universe, the one who controls all things is reaching into my soul and calling me His.